Pity Party

Well, I have decided to throw myself a big ole pity party, total guest = 1. With everything going on in my life right now, I just wish one thing would work out the way I planned.  My marriage is crumbling and all I want to do is get myself and my kids back to California. I have been living the last 2.5 years feeling trapped and as soon as I see a way out, the universe finds a way to throw up a wall in front of it.  It pisses me off to no end that something as little as money is what is holding me back. It's not even a grossly huge amount either but it might as well be. I've tried everything I could think of to raise the money and I've tried selling anything and everything I can.  It's just not meant to be. How am I supposed to help my children, myself and my marriage if I can't even get out of this damn state?

Change

Changes abound in my home as of late. Adjusting to those changes while trying to keep a smile on my face is proving to be very difficult. In my stubborn denial to admit that my marriage might be at an end, I have decided to be a generous wife (probably more generous than M deserves).  As of right now the plan is that the kids and I will continue with the plan to move back to California, just now it's going to be alone. M will continue to live here and I have given him 6 mths to decide if he wants to continue with our marriage. I feel this is the only way to save my marriage, yet it also feels like a huge kick in the face. One of our biggest relationship problems is M's selfishness. So to cure this, I am going to spend mths on my own, raising 4 kids by myself and he gets to spend this time living like a bachelor doing as he pleases without anyone to take care of or responsibilities to worry about. I don't know maybe I am making a huge mistake and I should just get out now and get it over with, but for some irrational reason I just can't leave yet. Maybe I'm not as strong as I thought I was.


Well, with all this going on I have need to escape to my craft table as much as possible.  I have started on a new felt book. This time it is an ABC book.  Every page has a few lettered pockets with a little felt item inside matching the letter on the pocket.  I'll post pics as I complete more.

The end....

It's hard to image living your life any differently than you have for the past 12 years. It's hard to say "I quit" to something you thought would last forever. How is it possible to love someone with all your heart yet hate everything about them too. I love my children more than anything else on this planet and right now I have to make a decision that will change their lives forever. I know that no matter what decision I make they will blame me and hate me for it at some point in their lives, I just wish it wasn't so hard to do. Trying to decide if I'd be better off without the person I have spent the last 12 years with, the father of my children, is the hardest thing I have ever had to do. Today is one of those days where I just wish I could disappear and not have to think about any of this crap.  I just want to be happy again, I just am not sure what that means anymore. I am looking at the beginning of  the end of my marriage and family?

Escape

The last couple of days I have needed an escape from all the stress in my house. Between trying to find a house in California, securing financing, dealing with my son's increasing meltdowns, pre-teen drama, my 3 and 1 year olds (who we have affectionately nick named the Tornado Twins) and wading through the mess I call my marriage, I needed to escape for a little while.  Unfortunately, I don't have the luxury of leaving the kids with a sitter and spending the day shopping or at the mall so I had to resort to the only form of escape that is open to me.  My craft table. Mind you, there is not some magically force field surrounding my craft area that keeps all my children and problems from attacking me while I am seated there, but it does get me one floor above them where it takes them a little longer to track me down and the yelling and screaming isn't as loud.  So, over the past couple of days I have stolen every available moment to sit down and work on my latest project. Big surprise, it's another felt book. I decided last week that I would list my books on my Etsy store, but since I have to charge so much to make it worth wild I decided that I would whip up a smaller version that I could list at a lower price. This is what I came up with.

As you can see it's just a simple book naming the colors with a corresponding animal.  It's smaller than the others I've done (it's only 8" x 8"), there are less pages and the pages aren't as detailed, but I think it turned out pretty darn cute.  My favorite is the Fish, you can't quite see all the details on him but he was pretty fun to put together.

Now that that project is done and listed on my store it's time to decide what to do next.  I am thinking and ABC book or trying my hand at creating a felt doll.  We'll see how it goes.